I am already 27 years old but I am still clueless about who I am and what I want. When I was my mother’s age, she already knew that what she wanted was to have a happy and loving family of her own. To top it off, she was already taking care of three screaming toddlers and deciding for the well being of a whole family. I can’t even decide what to eat for breakfast.

Blame it on the “30 is the new 20″ shebang. While this phenomenon may bring a lot of good, I don’t want to hide behind it to mask my shortcomings. I also think that the only people who will benefit from this are those gifted with extraordinary longer lifespan and I don’t think I’m part of the fortunate population given the amount of alcohol I consume every week.

Don’t get me wrong. Running out of time is the least bit of my worries. It’s more of that at this age, I must at least already have a full grasp of who I am… but I don’t. The disquiet I am feeling now is more of wanting to know the embodiment of who I really am and not just wanting to know an aspect like what career path to take.

Character-wise, what am I? Who am I? I am afraid of waking up one day realizing that I am actually a monster.

I’ve read somewhere that who we are now are products of decisions we’ve made in the past and who we are going to be will be products of our decisions now. Looking back, I wonder if I made the right decisions each time life threw crap at me. The decisions I’ve made must have been a random mess judging from the identity- crisis- ridden product that is me now. Deciding from an identity- crisis- ridden self is also a scary thought given that our decisions now mold us into who we will become. Gad, I wonder what will become of me in the future.

Someone recently told me that in order to know who you are, you have to know what you want and what you don’t want. I am currently trying out different things and figuring out if each thing I try suits me or not. I hope I make the right decisions each time. I must admit that the trial and error involved can be excruciating. You will find yourself getting hurt countless of times. But the experience could be fun, too. Nothing beats being there and doing that. So I will just take the good with the bad and decide as I go along the way.