My boyfriend made me listen to this song by the English soul singer Adele and I fell in love with it.  It reminded me of the countless of times I’ve been in that confused state of whether or not to pursue something or someone that I know is destined to fail anyway. I can’t help but be moved.

The music video concept and art direction is also one of a kind. I like the melancholic tones, the cinematography and the dance choreography. The shadow play is also awesome! This is the first time I’ve seen people dance while lying down. That must have been hard Amazing

“Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements,  even if it leads nowhere?”

Francis Magalona - Proud Filipino

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Just like Meema I didn’t really expect to be affected by his death either. As much as I would like to push it behind my mind, I am  saddened and feel the need to write about it. Francis M’s death feels very much like one of my kababata’s died. His music was very much a part of my growing up and somehow it seems like Francis M and I grew up together.

Francis M, I really don’t you but I just want to say that I’m proud of you. You may already have passed away but you have already left us your legacy and you would not be forgotten. Rest in peace, bro!

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Pero sa ngayon, kailangan ko munang umiyak. Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin kayang patigilin ang pagpatak ng luha ko. Napaka-ironic nga naman ng buhay. Nakakainis. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko.

Ang dami-dami kong sinayang na panahon. Kung anu-ano ang iniisip. Walang ginagawa.  Sana maaayos ko pa ang mga pagkakamaling ginawa ko. Sana mabawi ko pa.

Kaya ayoko na magnyornyor. Ayoko na mag-isip. Gagawin ko na ang mga bagay-bagay na dapat matagal ko nang ginawa. Magiging totoo na ako sa sarili ko. Pati na rin sa ibang tao. Nasa kamay ko ang kasiyahan ko.

Kung sino ang mga taong totoong kumakandili sa iyo, nag-iisip sa iyo, nakikinig sa iyo, umiintindi sa iyo, maaasahan mo, magtatanggol sa iyo, totoong kaibigan mo, nagmamahal sa iyo…

Buhay kaya sila? Naroroon ba sila?

Minsan mahirap lang manampalataya na may mga taong tulad nila. Mga taong kayang magsangtabi ang oras at kayang mag-ukol ang sarili dahil para sa kanila, mahalaga ka.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

- Proverbs 4:23

I do not know if I’m just predisposed to disobey everything the Bible says, but this sure is one directive I miserably fail to follow. I have been attending Love, Courtship and Marriage seminars since I was 12 but I think I’ve become such a big disappointment to all my Sunday school teachers finding myself 15 years later. I really suck at this.

To give myself some credit and so as just to say that all my teachers’ hard work had not been entirely in vain, I’ve pretty much gone through high school and the early years of college with minimal damage. Unfortunately, I don’t think that would count, though. Guarding your heart means actually being aware of having one and ever since I have discovered that mine was beating and red and filled with gooey stuff, I’ve been throwing it away like a slab of red meat to a pack of ravenous wolves. What’s worse is I never learn.

If it’s any consolation, I’m just glad that this not one of those precepts I’d be condemned to eternal damnation for breaking. Whew! I might still have hope

2 years ago, you wouldn’t have believed that I was a grumpy, arrogant, cruel, cold-hearted bitch ready to chop off anyone’s head who will get in my way. Feelings are insignificant. I was all for results and it didn’t matter who I step on as long as I was proven right in the end. Needless to say, “pleasant” was the last qualifier you would describe me.

I was also pretty much of a loner. I hated crowds. I hated talking. I would never be the one to open up a conversation. If I did, my sharp tongue was just bound to offend and jab where it really hurts. I rarely smile. I do not make eye contact (unless to intimidate). I was not a joiner. I did not make friends easily and I suppose I was really hated.

Amazing what 2 years of experiences can do to your life. Perhaps it was enlightenment or maturity or I might just for some reason have become particularly happy (or for all you know just become plain manipulative) that I have become a totally different person thanks to a little push and some amount of effort. (While some people may disagree, my loving family for example, that I have not changed at all, let us, for this entry’s purpose define “change” and “totally different person” as the surfacing of my superego or that I have tamed the dark side of my split personality). Honestly, I still get shocked when the people I’ve just recently met (and my gad, can you believe it, made friends with!) describe me as friendly, cheerful, extroverted and full of life. What has happened to the miasma surrounding me? Where has it gone?

While I am not particularly sure how and when the change actually happened I still remember the reasons why I tried to do so:

1. Loneliness – Being alone does not equate to being lonely. Lonely is being in a crowd, especially being in one where everyone is someone you know and everyone’s having fun and there are fireworks and a band and everyone’s dancing and you still feel isolated.

2. I can’t always be right – Nobody liked me. With the kind of personality I had, I ought to be right else I’m  not worth anything.

3. No one can be that stupid that you cannot learn anything from him – I used to be so arrogant (well I still am actually but down two notches) until I was humbled by the fact that one of the greatest influences of my life and one who truly, truly loves me no matter what isn’t exactly Mensa material. The accumulation of knowledge, not the accumulation of facts is more important.

4. Sharing your life with others can be fulfilling – While humans are the most complex entities in the known universe (complex includes being the meanest, vilest and most evil), sharing your life with them can also be fulfilling. You would be amazed at the gems you would discover underneath the layers of dirt and grime that you perceive.

While I know that the dark and brooding side of me is still somewhere floating inside me, let me be for this moment just revel in the delight that good relationships bring. I can truly say that despite of the tons of crap my life has (and many more to be dumped at me yet), this is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. I’m actually looking forward to life.

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Disclaimer: Because my life hangs in a delicate balance, I might just as soon eat everything I’ve said. I hope the happiness lasts but I sure know good things don’t last forever. Because I also swing at extremes, I hope that opening my life or whatever causes my happiness now would not be the cause of the end of me. I always have a tendency to go overboard. What’s important is, I am happy NOW. Finally.

Bakit ako nasasaktan? :’(

Waaaah! As in ang sakit na talaga (

Pangit pa ng weather. It makes you want to nurture a sulky mood.

“Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka
abiso ng pusong bulag na humahanga”

- Taning, Imago

“To say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that’s the whole art and joy of words”

The Fox, Till We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis

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If only I can, I would but I suck at words and often say the wrong things. I don’t know how to express myself well and thus am often misunderstood. Oh, I want to experience the beauty that comes with the art of words!

If only words could flow through me and utter what I truly want to say straightforwardly and without fear… my heart may need not hurt so