2 years ago, you wouldn’t have believed that I was a grumpy, arrogant, cruel, cold-hearted bitch ready to chop off anyone’s head who will get in my way. Feelings are insignificant. I was all for results and it didn’t matter who I step on as long as I was proven right in the end. Needless to say, “pleasant” was the last qualifier you would describe me.
I was also pretty much of a loner. I hated crowds. I hated talking. I would never be the one to open up a conversation. If I did, my sharp tongue was just bound to offend and jab where it really hurts. I rarely smile. I do not make eye contact (unless to intimidate). I was not a joiner. I did not make friends easily and I suppose I was really hated.
Amazing what 2 years of experiences can do to your life. Perhaps it was enlightenment or maturity or I might just for some reason have become particularly happy (or for all you know just become plain manipulative) that I have become a totally different person thanks to a little push and some amount of effort. (While some people may disagree, my loving family for example, that I have not changed at all, let us, for this entry’s purpose define “change” and “totally different person” as the surfacing of my superego or that I have tamed the dark side of my split personality). Honestly, I still get shocked when the people I’ve just recently met (and my gad, can you believe it, made friends with!) describe me as friendly, cheerful, extroverted and full of life. What has happened to the miasma surrounding me? Where has it gone?
While I am not particularly sure how and when the change actually happened I still remember the reasons why I tried to do so:
1. Loneliness – Being alone does not equate to being lonely. Lonely is being in a crowd, especially being in one where everyone is someone you know and everyone’s having fun and there are fireworks and a band and everyone’s dancing and you still feel isolated.
2. I can’t always be right – Nobody liked me. With the kind of personality I had, I ought to be right else I’m not worth anything.
3. No one can be that stupid that you cannot learn anything from him – I used to be so arrogant (well I still am actually but down two notches) until I was humbled by the fact that one of the greatest influences of my life and one who truly, truly loves me no matter what isn’t exactly Mensa material. The accumulation of knowledge, not the accumulation of facts is more important.
4. Sharing your life with others can be fulfilling – While humans are the most complex entities in the known universe (complex includes being the meanest, vilest and most evil), sharing your life with them can also be fulfilling. You would be amazed at the gems you would discover underneath the layers of dirt and grime that you perceive.
While I know that the dark and brooding side of me is still somewhere floating inside me, let me be for this moment just revel in the delight that good relationships bring. I can truly say that despite of the tons of crap my life has (and many more to be dumped at me yet), this is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. I’m actually looking forward to life.
————————————
Disclaimer: Because my life hangs in a delicate balance, I might just as soon eat everything I’ve said. I hope the happiness lasts but I sure know good things don’t last forever. Because I also swing at extremes, I hope that opening my life or whatever causes my happiness now would not be the cause of the end of me. I always have a tendency to go overboard. What’s important is, I am happy NOW. Finally.
