Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History
Flower on Concrete
I took this picture early April when the wind was still chilly and spring was just about on its way to start. I was taking the daily route from my apartment to my office when I found these beauties growing between the cracks of a concrete wall. It was a cold, cold morning. I had woken up on the wrong side of the bed… or should I say futon 
and I was practically grumbling about everything there is to life. I was taken aback when I saw these flowers. It must have been hard for these flowers to survive given their harsh environment but they are alive and they are beautiful nonetheless. Their grey, solid and rough background makes them stand out more. How is that for beauty amidst adversity! I went to my office with a lighter heart and a spring to my step. Didn’t know flowers could have that effect on me but I’m glad I was inspired 
Pero sa ngayon, kailangan ko munang umiyak. Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin kayang patigilin ang pagpatak ng luha ko. Napaka-ironic nga naman ng buhay. Nakakainis. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko.
Ang dami-dami kong sinayang na panahon. Kung anu-ano ang iniisip. Walang ginagawa. Sana maaayos ko pa ang mga pagkakamaling ginawa ko. Sana mabawi ko pa.
Kaya ayoko na magnyornyor. Ayoko na mag-isip. Gagawin ko na ang mga bagay-bagay na dapat matagal ko nang ginawa. Magiging totoo na ako sa sarili ko. Pati na rin sa ibang tao. Nasa kamay ko ang kasiyahan ko.
First came across that question when watching the live action rotoscoped film Waking Life with my sister a few years back. Too bad my attention span couldn’t take the film back then and ended up sleeping 3/4ths into the movie. The premise stuck, though and enters my mind every so often.
Was having this conversation with tinats yesterday regarding Imago’s song, Idlip and the following lines stuck:
Neither awake nor asleep
Dwell somewhere in between
Neither someone or something
Be it life alone
I walk it like a park
Half real, half fancy
Made me ask myself again whether I’m sleep-walking through my waking state or wake-walking through my dreams. Most of the time, I feel like I lie in that thin line between waking and sleeping, that point where everything seems surreal. Sometimes, though I feel like I am just observing the world around me and not participating. My life remains in a fixed point while life as it should be just passes by.
“To say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that’s the whole art and joy of words”
The Fox, Till We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis
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If only I can, I would but I suck at words and often say the wrong things. I don’t know how to express myself well and thus am often misunderstood. Oh, I want to experience the beauty that comes with the art of words!
If only words could flow through me and utter what I truly want to say straightforwardly and without fear… my heart may need not hurt so 
“There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the extra person in the room.”
- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 2
Balentimes day na naman at makikigaya ako kay tinats sa obligatory balemtimes post niya for lack of anything else to write. Hehehe. But well, I’m not that obligated, I do want to write kahit wala akong masulat.
Balentimes na naman. Back in college, I never really cared about this damn day until I got acquainted with mushy feelings and how one is obligated to celebrate it with your significant other. Before that, I had a blockmate (a close friend) who supplied me with roses and chocolates every year just so I wouldn’t be out of place. But that was just about it. I didn’t find Valentines day special until I became aware of it. Kainis pag nagising na ang diwa mo sa mga ganitong bagay. There is no turning back. After I broke up with my ex(es), the day became loathsome. Not because I feel lonely but because I feel out of place. It’s a cursed day where you couldn’t invite your girlfriends to party or your guyfriends to a drinking spree. I having nothing to do. It’s like having a big gap in your calendar. It’s also a day where you have to explain to tons of people why you still don’t have a boyfriend, a date or even just a semblance of a romantic life. It really gets to my nerves.
This Valentine’s day, however, I feel light. I don’t feel antagonistic. And what’s this? I think I even feel… happy, excited. Weird. Really weird. Some forces in the universe might have changed or maybe it’s… you?
